The Story of this Story

I work under a core assumption. A guiding principle under which all decisions are made. Something so fundamental to how I perceive everything around me that I cannot even imagine a world where this fact is false. Simply put: I am an idiot.

That's it. I just assume everyone around me is way more intelligent than I am.

I know this is objectively false. I have a PhD. I work at MIT. I regularly teach people everything I know whenever and wherever I can. Clearly, I must know something. Yet there is a huge difference between the person people perceive me to be and the person I subjectively feel like I am.

I don't necessarily see this as a bad thing. After all, if everyone is smarter than me, then I can learn from anyone. That sounds great, but there is a dark side. There is always an issue if someone's subjective experience clashes with objective reality.

In this case, it's incredibly easy for me to experience what's known as "impostor syndrome": a deep, unsettling feeling that I am lying to everyone I meet. That if people knew how incredibly inadequate I truly am, I would quickly lose everything. My friends and family would abandon me. My doctorate would be revoked. I wouldn't be able to find a job because I would be publicly shamed as a "con artist" or something.

So I keep up the act and pretend to be the person they think I am, even though I know (and now you know) it's all a lie. Hence the name "impostor syndrome". I feel like an impostor. It's just that the person I am pretending to be is me.

This has unfortunately led me into a "perfectionist's spiral." Essentially, I have hundreds of projects collecting dust in the back of my mind that will never be completed because "I'm not good enough" to finish them. But I know I am good enough. I just have to push through the mirror and do it.

So that's what this story is. Something I have been wanting to do since I was a kid, but never built up the courage to finish: a novel in verse.

For those who don't know, a novel in verse is exactly what it sounds like. A novel, complete with character development, an overarching narrative, and a (hopefully) compelling world. I'm just using poetry instead of prose.

Now don't get me wrong. This story is not one that I have been planning since childhood. All of those are still strictly off-limits in the "I'm not good enough" box. Rather, I intentionally chose to write a compelling story I have no prior attachment to. Something that could easily allow me to explore my own impostor syndrome without growing out of scope.

That said, this particular novel in verse is a little special, so let me throw some jargon at you. So far as I am aware, this is the only work of this scale that uses tetrameter, doublet rhymes, and trisyllabic feet. Let me explain what I mean. Here are the first two lines to the book:

Once I was out and about at midday –
Absolutely normal in every way,
I have purposefully bolded the stressed syllables – the ones that are naturally a little stronger when speaking aloud. Note that each stressed syllable is followed by two unstressed ones. The initial combination of stressed and unstressed syllables is known as a dactyl and is one of many metrical feet used in metered poetry. In this case, I have composed the poem entirely of such feet, but because I wanted to also have doublet rhymes (which will usually create stressed syllables at the end of the line), I have carried over the extra unstressed syllables to the next line. That was a mouthful, but it ultimately means that every line should flow smoothly into one another so you can read them in rapid succession as if you are reading prose. The goal was to create a poem that would be easy to read by anyone of any level, but I don't know how well I hit that goal.

At the end of the day, I hope that this book is entertaining. I hope you don't mind the tetrameter and rhymes. But mostly, I hope it resonates with you.

If I manage to achieve that on any level, then I will count this book to be a success.

Peace, Jackie (Amphi)